Pulling Back The Curtain - Audio

I woke to the morning sun glaring through unlined curtains and the muffled murmurs from downstairs, sparking curiosity and unease as I lay in my sister’s guest room, grappling with the weight of my recent flight from America and a broken promise to my ex-wife, Jenny. Struggling with the aftermath of abruptly stopping antidepressants, I faced disorienting side effects but found gradual healing in a supportive environment, slowly reconnecting with myself and others. This newfound stability led me to a purposeful role as a residential social worker, where I worked with troubled children like Andy, learning the importance of boundaries and planting seeds for change, even as I confronted the emotional complexities of their devotion to harmful parents, mirroring my own past.

On my first day at Sully, as I examined my police kit, a flicker of doubt about my ability to become a competent officer crept in, prompting deep reflection on the qualities I needed to develop for the role. The sobering realities of police life were laid bare on day two, with a Police Federation presentation highlighting the short post-retirement lifespan of officers and a former heroin user’s stark account of crime, yet my excitement grew with a rep’s claim that this was “the best job in the world.” At Bramshill for core training, I bonded with Emily, my kindred spirit, and absorbed critical policing concepts like the Crime Triangle, all while navigating contrasting teaching styles and preparing for the challenges of my upcoming posting to High Wycombe.

The day after my Sunday Express article was published, I braced myself for the repercussions, feeling a growing unease on my bus ride to Brighton police station, where I faced a boardroom meeting with two senior officers without representation. In the meeting, I defended my public critique of policing inefficiencies, citing public frustration and invoking Sir Robert Peel’s principles, but was reprimanded for naming politicians and warned of bringing the force into disrepute, with a media contact ban imposed. My refusal to write another article, communicated to the journalist, inadvertently breached this ban, leading to my immediate suspension and resignation, prompting me to launch a blog and petition for police reform while navigating media distortions and political indifference.

Driven by a persistent desire to prevent crime, I transitioned from policing to advocacy, first supporting domestic abuse victims in Sussex, where I witnessed the profound emotional barriers created by perpetrators’ control, and later aiding families of murder victims in London, connecting with their need for relatable support. In June 2008, I joined HMP Brixton as an audio typist, transcribing disciplinary hearings, before becoming a CARAT worker, where I applied my past experiences to build trust with prisoners, helping them feel safe to share their struggles with substance misuse. The inefficiencies of the End2End pilot, merging prison and community drug support, underscored the chaos of managing high caseloads and duplicative paperwork, leading me to question the effectiveness of current drug policies and their reliance on opioid substitutes like methadone, which seemed to perpetuate rather than resolve the cycle of addiction and crime.

Shaped by my parents’ toxic, unfulfilling marriage, I learned to recognize unhealthy relationships and sought to fulfill unmet childhood needs through others, a pattern that persisted into adulthood. Meeting Chuck in 2011, I was drawn to his charm but soon faced his deep insecurities and MS-related challenges, which strained our relationship despite our marriage and move to Spain to run a hotel. His increasing dependency, volatile mood swings, and inability to address his unmet needs led to constant conflict, culminating in my departure in 2017 after a toxic confrontation, reinforcing my commitment to openness, boundaries, and self-reliance in future relationships.

In the summer of 2018, I temporarily cared for my mother in North Walsham after she broke her femur, leveraging my experience in live-in domiciliary care while managing her difficult personality and her husband's impatience. My care work on the Wirral, supporting a dementia patient, highlighted the demanding yet underpaid nature of the role and the profiteering of care companies, prompting me to become a personal assistant in Torquay, where I settled in 2019 after being charmed by its coastal beauty. Joining the NHS in 2020, I faced inefficiencies, incompetent management, and outdated systems in social care, reinforcing my belief that public services require fundamental reform to address mismanagement, wastage, and over-reliance on private providers to meet growing demands effectively.